gabby lift

(no subject)

so, today would have been Peter's 76th birthday. wonder if he would have become a grumpy old man? if i would have driven him to it?
i don't think he would have, because when he was in the hospice, a couple of days before he died, his nurse asked him what he hoped to gain from his hospice stay? and he told her he wanted to be able to potter in the garden, and to make the dinner ready for when i came home from work. he told me once he wished that he could make time stand still for himself so i could catch up, well, i'm only 5 years behind him now, i've caught up 10 years, so who knows!

this depression is very insiduous, probably not spelled correctly, sorry! i'm on zopiclone as a sleeping tablet as well at the moment, still feel very nauseous in the mornings, and tired all the time. see my doc next monday, and my counsellor on the following friday.

today it is sunny, a good thing after all the rain we've had.

i'm here on the computer with my beautiful Callie beside me - for almost 19 she is in pretty good shape. just looking at me accusingly though bewcause she's only been fed once this morning!!!

and so enough for today. i'm tired!!! rest and tv.
gabby lift

(no subject)

My Head

It’s dark in here.
An inky blackness which hugs and sticks,
Swirls and slithers.
The stickiness enfolds in a suffocating way.
It’s almost comforting, with a frightening softness.

Within the emptiness come shades and forms.
Whispers, insidiously forming ideas into my mind.

Oh, nothing with substance, just black,
Shiny, patent black, like Sunday-best shoes.
Thoughts to make me feel worthless, hopeless, useless,
Ugly thoughts for an ugly person.

And then, the answers, the easy, simple ways to deal with it all.
The heaviness and hurt. The emptiness and grief.
Just let it out.
One quick cut, one slice, and
The blood will take it away. Wash it out from deep inside.
“Nothing permanent, not yet,” the black says
“I’ve not finished with you yet.”
Just a few fast slashes, medicinal almost, better than drugs, easier than leeches.

The simple answers, I turn them in my mind, they seem so sensible as if I should have seen them long ago.
A sudden roaring, shuddering waves of wind. tiny sparks of light,
Just enough of me to question – Why would that work?
What if that didn’t work?
Just enough sense.
Just enough belief.
Just enough hope to cling to,
Just enough memory to hold on,
To remember that this will pass.
Please.
gabby lift

(no subject)

hard to believe i've been home for a week now. i HATE coming back here with a passion. humid cooler miserable cloudy grey and work as well. walked into almost a brick wall!!! i have a very non supportive manager who changes her mind with amazing regularity, just never know what exactly she is changing!!! lol this time , from telling me how right i am for the job which i was made permanent in less than 2 months ago, and bearing in mind she was away for 2 weeks holiday and then a week off due to losing her father in law and i was away for 3-1/2 weeks i came back to a meeting where she said her main concerns are that i am not right for the job. this is the woman who said we need to be open and honest with each other - who told me she wanted me to cover a secondment role as a case manager and would discuss it further with me "next week" and then totally ignored me for 2 weeks and never mentioned the case manager job again. by chance i found it advertised and had to ask permission to apply for it. Her boss also commented at my interview that i knew what the job was all about and actually "got" what the role was. and now, all of a sudden i'm not good enough.

and i also had an out of the blue call from my youngest step daughter who i haven't seen in at least 6/7 years wanting to call in on their way to their holiday . so i am a nervous wreck today!!! she hasn't come back to say she is caloing in so i am in a bit of a quandry not knowing. i hate this type of surprise. i want to go back to utah. i like it there i like my friends there. (i have good friends here too i know that)

so i guess i had better shower, pack for 2 nights and 3 days at work, once i leave here at 2pm i do not return until wednesday evening always providing i am not working then. upwards and onwards. or something.
gabby lift

(no subject)

so today i move to Provo. where exactly i am staying is still uncertain. bangs head on wall. but i am coming back here on friday and leaving for las vegas from here. i feel more secure with my friends here. spent 2 days here on my own. whilst they were out of town. it was lovely. had breakfast in the garden and supper. sat in the shade and just enjoyed the sunshine. did some embroidery. listened to lovely music. cried a lot whilst i tried to make the dark line of clouds in my mind go away. all the pills i take are supposed to stop that depression. but they don't always.
today is another lovely day. yesterday i wrote to my two step daughters as well, we have minimal contact so i decided to actually break the contact. by minimal i mean i rememberchristmas and their birthdays and then have to check if things have arrived okay. meanwhile they ignore me at christmas and my birthday. enough already. their dad told me needn't feel guilty if i decided to cut my contacgt with them, he found them difficult at times himself. so one large weight taken off my shoulders.
gabby lift

(no subject)

so today i move to Provo. where exactly i am staying is still uncertain. bangs head on wall. but i am coming back here on friday and leaving for las vegas from here. i feel more secure with my friends here. spent 2 days here on my own. whilst they were out of town. it was lovely. had breakfast in the garden and supper. sat in the shade and just enjoyed the sunshine. did some embroidery. listened to lovely music. cried a lot whilst i tried to make the dark line of clouds in my mind go away. all the pills i take are supposed to stop that depression. but they don't always.
today is another lovely day. yesterday i wrote to my two sept daughters as well, we have minimal contact so i decided to actually break the contact. by minimal i mean i rememberchristmas and their birthdays and then have to check if things have arrived okay. meanwhile they ignore me at christmas and my birthday. enough already. their dad told me needn't feel guilty if i decided to cut my contacgt with them, he found them difficult at times himself. so one large weight taken off my shoulders.
gabby lift

(no subject)

not managing to post every day but today has been good. my friend L struggles with depression as do i, so there have been so heavy bits during the week. tomorrow i head off to provo, not to stay with friends who have a double booking of people staying with them, but to stay with friends of theirs..... who i have never met..... but who will just love me and i them..... i hope. until then signing off. tired supermeal out tonight.
gabby lift

catch up

travelled up on satuday to Murray. it was a realy good trip. i just love the desert! we don't have much deert in the UK.

have been shopping to die for! may need to buy third suitcase for trip home.

caught up with my friend i Provo - she was in arizona. so due to a double booking i willnot be staying with T and D next week but with their friends M and D who i have never met. i hope this will work out okay.

meanwhile swam this morning and realy enjoed it! shopping this afternoon and really enjoyed it worked on my classes for next week this evning and realloy enjoyed it. is there a recurring theme here?

tired but contented!!!
gabby lift

last day

here in Hurricane. my bus is in 2-1/2 hours. swam this morning, there was a frog desperately trying to get out of the pool when we got there. B was in no way getting in there with said frog . he/she would swim to the steps but couldn't get out. managed to get the net and eventually scoop him/her out. feel frogkind now owes us big time. so any handsome princes out there beware. i am on the look out!!! lol
cooler today which is nice for travelling. bags all packed. good thing i have stuff ot leave in Murray and Provo. they are getting very full.....

found a good magazine about diabetes in the store - we don't have any in the uk. i need all the help i can get lol.

i will miss B and V they are such good friends. and Murph their wheaten terrior. he is gorgeous!! neurotic because as a pup he ran away and was lost in the desert for 2 nights and he has never got over it, but he is beautiful and i love him too!

and so, next week from further north!!!
gabby lift

(no subject)

such a brilliant evening had to post!!!

actually brilliant day. costco this morning, walmart this afternoon, pizza for lunch then a brilliant store in Hurricane doing beads and jewellry and crystals. bought some to take home!!! then Lin's grocery store for sugar free candies to take home for a diabetic friend and myself. (yes i love to shop any type of store at all)

and after dinner B and i sat outside and watched from the shelter of the covered patio the storm and lightening including hail stones and chatted. the rain cleared and the sunset was absolutely glorious. then the mosquitohawks came out - followed by the swallows, and finally as dusk started to fall, the bats. fabulous clouds and colours- gold silver pink pale blue dark blue just amazing. we live up a bit beside a golf course which is down below and there is a beautiful lake at this end, and canadian geese aplenty as well!!!

re the music - another gold medal

i shallmiss this. offnorth to Murray , a suburt of SLC tomorrow. really looking forward to the drive through the desert. but am going to miss B and V a lot.
gabby lift

(no subject)

can't believe it's been a week already! had fresh picked peaches for breakfast this morning. just so good!!!!!

bless his little heart my brother who has the beginnings of dementia but it was caught quickly had an appointment with his specialist last week. she redid a couple of tests from last october (both of which he scored higher in this time - yea go bruv!) but when she asked him to list words beginning with "f" he said "oh good i'm glad you didn't change the letter i've been practicing....." bet she changes it next time!!!

i love my big brother!

my face is peeling where i caught the sun last week. just loving all this sun!!! soaking up vitamin d like there is no tomorrow!!!

and on that note another day calls

:-)